Lilia’s Blog

Life is temporary. Though we are consciously aware of that fact, we live in a society in which we don’t think about death until we are forced to do so. Focusing on mortality (whether our own or that of loved ones) can be beneficial, in that affords us the opportunity to reflect on the things that matter most. It allows us to examine our priorities and consider whether we are living our lives in a way that aligns with those things that are important to us.

Although we may like to think that we, and the people we love, will be around forever, the truth of course, is that we won’t be. People die. In 2002 alone, over 2.4 million people died in the United States.³ With annual deaths in such high numbers, imagine the even greater number of grieving loved ones left behind. What is the likelihood that some of those loved ones wondered if the person they lost really knew how much they were loved and possibly regretted not having told them? Based on numbers alone, it is safe to say it is very likely. According to the many resources available (in print and on the internet) on the topic of grief, the bereaved deal with loss in a number of ways. Included among them are dealing with loss through writing and journaling. One book on grief notes that “[w]riting a letter to a loved one is a powerful tool.”⁴ In another, the author notes “[t]he bereaved report that writing letters to their deceased loved ones or journaling helps them vent their feelings and tie up loose ends.”⁵I refer to letters (or any communication) to deceased loved ones, such as my letter to Jen, as Post Mortem Expression (PME) because loved ones are no longer physically present to hear, appreciate or enjoy what we have to “say” to them. That is not to say that PME is not beneficial. As noted above, writing to deceased loved ones may help the bereaved cope with their loss, and therefore, serves a beneficial purpose. It certainly made me feel better to write a letter to my friend. In spite of that, I couldn’t help but think about how simple it would have been for me to write the very same words before she died.

Loss of life occurs daily and for a number of reasons. It may be due to natural causes, illness or disease, murder, suicide or accidental death. The death statistics in this section, however, are not included to paint a grim outlook. They are included to acknowledge the simple fact that people die. On the other hand, many more people continue to live and, therefore, have the opportunity to tell loved ones how they feel. With Loving Letters, we can rejoice in our love and appreciation for others by sharing it with them instead of keeping it to ourselves. The purpose of this book is to provide a process for and encourage people to write Loving Letters to people they love, appreciate and value – now; while they are still with us and while we can enjoy the many benefits of such communication. Those benefits are addressed in the following chapters.

Excerpted from “The Most Important Letter You Will Ever Write” www.lovingletter.com© 2006, 2009 Lilia Fallgatter

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Tags: Death, Dying, Grief, Relationships, Writing, emotions, letters // Add Comment »

Some things in life are far too important to put off. My letter to my friend Jen² was one of them.
When I learned from my sister, Marisa, that our friend had cancer, I was saddened by the news, but was optimistic that everything would be okay. In the months following her diagnosis, I spoke with Jen (who lived 100 miles away) by phone a few times and got regular updates from my sister.
Before traveling to a family reunion in June of 2003, Jen had taken a turn for the worse and was in the hospital. I remained hopeful. When we returned 11 days later, she was gone; a stunningly short 6 months following her diagnosis. I was deeply saddened by her death and felt badly that I had not made more of an effort to be there for Jen as she neared the end of her life. Even though she was gone, I decided to write Jen a letter telling her what she had meant to me.

Writing the letter telling my friend what she meant to me made me feel better. I’m not sure why exactly. Maybe it was because somewhere in the back of my mind, I believed my words would somehow transcend space and time and make their way to Jen, wherever she was. In reading and rereading my letter to her, I felt a certain regret. I wondered why I had not taken the time to say or write these things to Jen before she died. How simple it would have been to do so; and how satisfying it would be to know that she knew how important she was to me. I wondered how many people across the country or around the world found themselves in similar situations and feeling the same kind of regret as they faced the loss of someone they loved.

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Though Valentine’s day is generally associated with celebrating romantic love, it is a perfect time to tell all of your loved ones how much they mean to you. One of the most meaningful ways in which to do so, is to tell them directly. Too awkward and embarrassing you say? Not a problem. Let your pen or keyboard do the talking for you.

Whether writing a note, letter or including a letter on a scrapbook page, be sure to go beyond just saying “I love you.” Not that there’s anything wrong with saying it. The thing is that although those three little words convey a deep sense of caring for someone, they are inherently vague and do not communicate why it is we love someone. What is it that you appreciate, love or admire about the person? Have they been there for you through thick and thin? Have they offered unconditional love and support? Have they been your shoulder to cry on? Does the person inspire you to reach for your dreams and accomplish you goals? Be sure to detail the things that make them special to you.   Aside from the time invested in writing the note or letter and the ink and paper, it will cost you nothing. Yet, it will be more meaningful than you can imagine. Don’t be surprised if your note or letter is later tucked away by the recipient of your kind words in a safe and special place (such as a bible or treasure box) and revisited in the years ahead.  

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We all have people in our lives who mean so very much to us. You know, the friends and relatives that surround us. They have been there and have supported us through thick and thin. They love us unconditionally, and we love them too.

Each year during the holidays, when we have time to reflect on how truly blessed we are, these people come to mind. We may wonder what gift we can give them that will express our love and appreciation for all they have done and all they have meant to us over the years. Though it may seem simple, there is something you can give them, that will clearly express how much you care: A Loving Letter.

A Loving Letter is essentially a highly personalized and detailed letter of thanks to a friend or loved one who has had a significant positive impact in our lives. It explains why they mean so much to us and how truly grateful we are to have them in our lives. The letter can be given individually or along with another small gift, such as stationery, photo album, or a picture frame

This special letter is easy to write. All you’ll need is a pen, paper and your heartfelt sentiments. It will serve to remind others that they are loved. It may also become a treasured keepsake they can re-read at any time. It could also become family heirloom passed on from generation to generation.

If you are inspired to to write a Loving Letter, do it soon. You’ll be glad you did.

Lilia L. Fallgatter is author of “The Most Important Letter You Will Ever Write, How To Tell Loved Ones How You Feel ~ Before It’s Too Late.” Her book offers a simple process for communicating with loved ones in writing. Listen now: http://lovingletter.com/Inspirit30.mp3 or visit http://www.lovingletter.com.

©2009 Lilia L. Fallgatter

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Tags: Christmas, Holidays, Life, Love, Writing, Written Communication, communication, gratitude, letters // Add Comment »

We join our hands and hearts together

Giving thanks to you Oh Lord

For our lives so filled with blessings

By your loving hands bestowed

When we look at things around us

We see the beauty of your love

From the earth’s most tiny creatures

To the shining stars above

As we celebrate the good things

Family, friends and food to eat

Let our thoughts not leave the many

Who are not so fortunate

Give us strength and give us guidance

Help us also understand

That from tragedies and evil

Every human soul expands

We give you thanks and count our blessings

Both today and through the year

For we know that with our faith in you

There is nothing we need fear.

Amen

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A few years ago, I was a perfectionist. I knew exactly how things should be and thought I knew how to make them that way. As a perfectionist, my home had to be immaculate before any visitors arrived. In the office, I would become highly stressed and irritable if meetings or events did not go as planned. After all, I had spent many hours organizing, planning, checking and re-checking details, so I had a high expectation that everything would fall nicely into place.

I decided to change my ways when I realized the amount of stress I was adding to my life. I concluded that obsessing about things over which I had no control was not serving a beneficial purpose. Being upset or irritated when things are not perfect affected my mood and, thus, my relationships.

Realizing that perfection is a matter a perception and nearly impossible to achieve by the standards I had set for myself, I began reevaluating how I defined success. Introspection through meditation and journaling helped considerably. By writing down my thoughts and feelings about this, I could clearly see that I was trying to be something I could never be: perfect.

These days, I don’t go into a near panic attack or a cleaning frenzy when friends or relatives are stopping by. I focus more on spending time with and enjoying my time with them rather than worrying about how things look. At work, although I plan and organize as usual, I take in stride any last minute glitches and try to look at an event from a broader perspective rather than focusing on the details. I don’t try to be perfect anymore - and that’s perfectly fine with me.

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Over the course of the last three decades I have set many goals for things I wanted to accomplish in my lifetime. Things I thought would make me a better and happier person. As happens to us all, some goals were achieved and other got lost in the shuffle of life.

In looking back on those goals I managed to reach, I found one common thread: Focus. The goals I was most passionate about, dedicated to and on which I consistently focused my attention, were the goals I succeeded in accomplishing. Whether short or long term goals, those I thought about frequently, meditated about, visualized and believed I would achieve, were the ones that became my reality.

As a strong believer that we are what we think, I know for certain that many of the things that I have thought about and focused my attention on in the past have manifested themselves in my life today. I also know that the things about which which I am currently thinking and focusing my attention on today, will be my reality in the future.

Engaging in daily activities which help us think about and take action toward our goals will ensure that our attention is in the right place. Similar to focusing the delicate lens of a camera on the amazing image we wish to capture, were must clearly focus our attention on the things we want to capture to become part of our life experience. We must “zoom in” on the things we most want and keep our attention there until we get it.

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If you’re anything like me, you might be wondering: “What is up with all of the public displays of rude behavior lately?” If you haven’t been under a rock in the last several days, you witnessed a clip of Serena Williams having a tantrum on the court a la’ John McEnroe (expletives and all,) you saw Kanye West snatch away what should have been a shining moment for young Taylor Swift at the VMAs, and Joe Wilson shout “you lie!” to President Obama during a televised speech.  You have also likely seen clips of fellow Americans engaging in shouting matches during town hall meetings and sign toting tea party-goers with signs depicting our President as Hitler among other things.  What has happened to respect, professionalism, decorum and just plain good manners?

The problem is not in the fact that people disagree with others, it is in how they choose to communicate their disagreement.  Serena, Kanye and Joe have every right to feel the way they do and every right to express it. As we have all been taught from an early age, however, there is a time, a place and a way in which to express yourself. And you can do it in a manner that will not make you look like a jerk. In spite of apologies made, the bottom line is that no matter how strongly a person feels about something, that alone does not justify the outburst. It shows a lack of self-control and a lack of good judgement.

Rude behavior such as the instances described above are nothing new, but they do seem to be more common. Why is that? Personally, I like to blame the trend on Simon Cowell. 

That’s just plain rude. This was the first thought that crossed my mind a few years ago when I first heard American Idol’s Simon Cowell critiquing would be contestants for the show. His mean-spirited and offensive comments did not sit well with me and I came to the conclusion that even if show producers were willing to put up with such rude behavior, Americans would not and, thus, his days on the show were numbered. Was I wrong. What I did not realize at the time, was that he was the show. Week in and week out, viewers tuned in to hear Simon blast seemingly tone deaf contestants with cutting critiques which frequently included terms such as “hideous,” “appalling” and “abysmal” to describe performances.  Some contestants seemed genuinely hurt by the comments, often in tears when interviewed for a response. In others, it aroused anger and disdain toward the British judge. Either way, his comments evoked emotion which was exactly the point. 

This same insensitivity has permeated nearly every other reality show in existence. We are now also seeing it in the media. Has this on the air rude conduct reflecting a total disregard for the feelings of others impacted the way we conduct ourselves in communicating with others?  I am not aware of any formal studies to reflect this, but I would venture to say that although rudeness appears to be more prevalent today than in the past, it just appears to be so since it has become an inextricable part of regular television viewing. The conflict and drama resulting from rude behavior apparently makes for good ratings.

In light of “National Outburst Week,” declared as such by the Huffington Post, perhaps it’s time to revisit the basics of common courtesy and social etiquette. You know what I mean. The teachings or our parents, clergy and school teachers who repeatedly told us to “treat others as you would like to be treated” and  “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”  So, the next time you think the line judge was wrong, or you think the wrong person won the video music award, or you think what the President said is inaccurate, think twice before you open your mouth to speak. It’s better to think now and avoid apologies later.

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Some events in life are seared into memory. The September 11, 2001, attack is one of those events. On that beautiful Tuesday morning, I was awakened by the sound of my 14 month old who was eagar to start his day. Groggily, I got out of bed, plucked him from his crib and made my way down the hall to the family room where we settled on the couch. I turned on the television in search of the PBS channel for the Teletubbies or the Wiggles. The TV was set to the NBC channel from the night before. The Today Show was on and I noticed something unusual. The voices of Katie Couric and Matt Lauer with a shot of a burning building on the screen. Still bleary eyed, I tried to understand what was happening - Couric reported that a plane had crashed into one of the twin towers at the World Trade Center and it was unclear whether it was an accident or an act of terror.  I continued to watch the live report and watched as the second plane struck the second tower. Gasps were heard and stunned reporters continued reporting to stunned viewers.  As the morning wore on, we would learn of the attack on the Pentagon and the plane that crashed into a field  in Pennsylvania.

Like many, I remained glued to the TV in the days and weeks that followed. As a nation, we mourned the loss of the more than 3000 people who died that day and dealt with the new sense of vulnerability and fear that blanketed the nation. Above those emotions, however, came a sense of unity and hope in the knowledge that we would move forward as a stronger nation. It has been eight years since that day, but the memory is not forgotten.

In that same year, a few days before Thanksgiving Day, I thought about what prayer we would make at the dinner table. As I reflected on the events of that September, I was inspired to write a prayer in remembrance of 9/11. The prayer poem was read aloud by all at our dinner table that Thanksgiving Day and every Thanksgiving Day thereafter, as a reminder that we need faith to keep us strong.

Thanksgiving Prayer Poem 2001

by Lilia Fallgatter

We join our hands and hearts together

Giving thanks to you Oh Lord

For our lives so filled with blessings

By your loving hands bestowed

When we look at things around us

We see the beauty of your love

From the earth’s most tiny creatures

To the shining stars above

As we celebrate the good things

Family, friends and food to eat

Let our thoughts not leave the many

Who are not so fortunate

Give us strength and give us guidance

Help us also understand

That from tragedies and evil

Every human soul expands

We give you thanks and count our blessings

Both today and through the year

For we know that with our faith in you

There is nothing we need fear.

Amen

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Someone asked me this question recently: What was the most surprising thing about being a Mom? As I pondered the question, I realized that there were so many things that surprised me, I really didn’t know where to start.

As a now veteran mom with two tween-aged children, I look back on the adventures of the early years. First, when they were infants and later, when they were toddlers. During those years I felt like I’d been punk’d by Ashton Kutcher, and that the crazy, messy, exhausting, sleep-deprived days would disappear when someone announced it was all a well planned and carefully executed joke. That never happened. I had not been punk’d. This was my life and I was going with it.

Following the birth of our daughter, my husband and I quickly learned that parenting was no walk in the park. In fact, parenting was hard work. I frequently sat perplexed wondering why nobody, especially those people who claimed to love me, had explained this to me. Nobody told me how challenging it would be (not that I would have been able to grasp or comprehend what they meant if they had told me.) I suppose we had to learn it first hand. We learned many things during those years:

• We learned that so much of parenting infants is guesswork. All they can do is cry when something is wrong. As the parents, it was our job to figure out what that was and fix it
• We learned that there can be some “gross” aspects to parenting: small bodies can emit large odors; young children either can’t or won’t tell you what they need - I never dreamed I’d be fishing poop out of the bathtub because my toddler did not tell me he had to go
• We learned how perfectly perfect babies truly are
• We learned that a child’s hug, smile, laugh or kiss can raise your spirits and make you forget all of your troubles in an instant
• We learned that children survive our parenting in spite of our lack of training and experience

Parenting truly is a full-time job with huge responsibilities, but amazing benefits. I am amazed every day by my children - by the beauty of their souls and the resilience of their spirit. 

©2009 Lilia L. Fallgatter

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